tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-51042564099333074122024-02-08T06:55:09.145-08:00make out in the stacksJesse Brodkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11522072006149858489noreply@blogger.comBlogger1125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5104256409933307412.post-17009788938044046742014-02-12T09:41:00.000-08:002014-02-13T10:04:35.182-08:00Full Service Stop<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: x-large;">Full Service Stop</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">by Jesse Brodkey </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>You walk</b> </span>into the car dealership asking
to use the restroom. You’ve got to go bad. The Dealer says, Of course. They
grab the key and you follow, but on the way they ask if you’d like to take a
look at this new model Charger RT in candy-apple-red.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>It’s
beautiful, you say. I’d love to sit inside, get a feel, maybe take it for a
spin. But could I use the bathroom first?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Of
course, the Dealer says and they lead you through the showroom, past a
family-model sedan in tan. Safe for the kids, they say. Good for the
environment, they add.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You
nod. You cross your legs, casually, and shift your weight just so from one foot
to the other. Maybe we could look over the sticker, you say. The gas mileage
and performance packages and luxury options and such. I’d be very interested, after
I wash up.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Of
course, the Dealer says and now you’re heading toward the Service Department
where you’re introduced to Ted. Ted here just purchased one of our best selling
pick-up trucks, they tell you. And wouldn’t you like to know what Ted thinks.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>It’s
just fantastic, Ted says. Best pick-up truck I’ve ever had. The kids say it’s
cool, and even the wife thinks it’s perfect.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Really?
you ask.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Scout’s
honor.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Even
the wife?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>And
then the Dealer unlocks the bathroom door, opens it wide, inviting. You’re all
set to go, but you’d like to hear more from Ted. You’ve always kind of wanted a
pick-up truck and just like Ted with a wife and kids—but why are you even considering
a pick-up truck right now when you’ve really got to take a leak? You choose to
piss, smart choice, and slip into the bathroom while Ted goes on about his
wife, his kids, his new pick-up truck. You can still hear Ted speaking. This is
because the Dealer’s holding open the bathroom door.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Thank
you, you say. I can take it from here, you say. You can let go of the door, you
say.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>No
bother, the Dealer replies.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Please,
you say. I’d like some privacy.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Let
me check if that’s possible, and then they hand the door to Ted and you watch,
dumbfounded, as the Dealer heads back through the showroom.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Ted
tells you, Wife says I look real manly in the pick-up truck.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Just
who is this Ted guy anyway? you ask yourself. What right does Ted have to keep
you and your bladder on hold? He’s just taking up space, dead weight, oblivious,
and doesn’t Ted have anywhere better to be? Wouldn’t Ted like to take his wife
and kids for a drive in that new pick-up truck right about now?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>The
Dealer returns with another man, or woman, you really can’t tell. It shouldn’t
matter to you, it doesn’t matter to you, except that they take the door from
Ted and now they want to talk, too. You don’t want to talk. You want the door
closed so you can do your business and that’s when you realize you’ve got to take
a shit.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>We’d
be happy to close the door for you, this Dealer-Friend says. But first we must
ask that you sign our agreement.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>What
kind of agreement?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>It’s
pretty standard fare, the Dealer-Friend replies.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I
have to sign an agreement just to use the bathroom?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>No,
the Dealer-Friend says. You need only sign the agreement if you choose to use
the lavatory in private.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You
know, you eek out between clamped teeth. I’m not so sure it’s okay for you to require
that I sign any kind of agreement about the bathroom. Isn’t that kind of, I
don’t know, unethical?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>We’re
not forcing you to use our lavatory, they say.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I
realize this, but there’s kind of a moral dilemma here, don’t you think? I mean,
allowing me to use your bathroom, but then keeping the door open…it’s all about
necessity. You see what I mean? </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I
agree.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Good,
you say. I’m glad we’re on the same page here. And best of all, closing the
door doesn’t cost you a thing.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You
mean, free?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Yes.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>No,
the Dealer-Friend says. Modern plumbing does not come free. Modern plumbing may
appear invisible, but it is actually a prime service, a network of services, in
fact, that perform out of sight, in the background, unseen. But just because
you don’t see it at work, doesn’t mean it comes free. No. And wouldn’t you agree
that modern plumbing is one of the most, if not the most, necessary of services?
A necessity which allows us to coexist in harmony, a society comfortable, at peace,
at rest. And at such a low cost to you. You must admit, our lavatory may be the
best value in town. And all we ask, for such a marvelous bargain, is that your
sign our agreement before we close the door.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You
have to ask, What difference will closing the door make to you?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Why,
if the door were closed, then how could we be certain just what’s going on
inside?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Your
jaw drops.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>What
I’m doing inside the bathroom is my business, you tell this Dealer-Friend. Then
your voice rises a notch, child-like, I can’t believe I’m actually having this
conversation with you.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>The
Dealer-Friend doesn’t blink. They are stone. We already have a fairly good idea
what you’re going to do in there, they say. Really, there are only a few
choices you might make including one of two deliveries. Then the Dealer-Friend
pauses, thinking, looking like they might speak at any moment, For this we provide
eco-friendly toilet paper and toilet seat binkies, antibacterial soap, and
electric-no-touch-hand-dryers.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Toilet
seat <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">binkies</i>?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Binkies
are remarkable, the Dealer-Friend says. A commodity both valueless and valuable
at the same time. Truly remarkable. But binkie-usage is not our current concern.
Our concern here is whether you might take your contributions with you.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Excuse
me?! you ask, you say, you demand.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>The
Dealer-Friend explains, It should go without saying that whatever you leave
behind, would in turn become our property. And we wouldn’t want you running off
with our property, now would we?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Let
me get this straight, you say clearly. Enunciating slowly so there can be
absolutely no misunderstanding, You actually want my shit?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Contributions.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Call
it what you want, it’s still just shit.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>And
one can tell a great deal about someone from their remainders, the
Dealer-Friend says.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You
chuckle, It’s remainders now?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Exactly.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Do
you give this runaround to everyone asking to use the bathroom? </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You
want to believe you are unique.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>We’re
not really seeing eye to eye here anymore, you say. So, I’m going to try and make
this as clear as possible. This—you point to your groin—has become a situation.
A dangerous situation. I can’t hold it in any more. Something’s got to give. So
if you won’t close the door, then I might have to let loose right here. Right
out in the open. Or maybe you’d rather I drop what I got on the showroom floor?
Or what about right on Ted’s shoes, would you like it if I took a shit right on
Ted’s shoes?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Well,
the Dealer-Friend says. We certainly encourage you to “let loose” and “drop
what you got.” Only please give us some advanced notice so that we may alert
our Service Department and let them know when to be expecting you.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>What!?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Our
Service Department is very thorough.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>In
doing just what, exactly?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Preserving
the moment, of course. For posterity. Documentation’s the key, because what
good would it do anybody if you were to relieve yourself and nobody was there
to bear witness? The <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">tree falling in the
woods</i> and all that.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>No,
you shout. This is not a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">tree in the
woods</i> thing. This is about me having to take a leak and a shit and now!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Then
simply sign the agreement.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I
don’t sign things if I don’t know what they say.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Then
the Dealer-Friend pulls the thinnest, most pure and delicate, pair of
wire-frame reading glasses from what seems like thin air. They clear their
throat, Let me begin at the beginning; And during the reading of the agreement,
spoken both clearly and steadily in a very monotonous tone, you can almost
taste your digestive system churning. You can feel the machine that is your
body folding in on itself. Reversing the flow. You ache, from your teeth to
your toes, and you try and swallow that ache, and begin to believe you just
might burst a seam. Possibly explode. If not literally, then there’s sure to be
some dire breakdown, and still this Dealer-Friend is yammering away. So slow, so
painstakingly accurate, and they’re barely on the second page now, just getting
warmed up, and how many pages are there to this agreement?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Look,
damn it! you shout. This has become a certified emergency. I’m talking public
health violation, here. This is now a life and death thing we got here.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>The
Dealer-Friend opens the bathroom door even wider, Be our guest.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Close
the door.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Sign
the agreement.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>No.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Then
there’s really nothing else we can do for you.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Listen,
asshole. I’m not kidding around here. Fun’s over. I got to go, and the fact
that you’re holding me back has got to be a crime. Some sort of law is being
broken here. And no matter how badly I can taste this piss and shit, right now I
don’t got time to read or hear your stupid little agreement. So if you don’t
let me go to the bathroom with the door closed—are you even listening?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>The
Dealer-Friend places their chill hand on your shoulder. They firmly grip your
shoulder, authoritatively, and direct you back into the showroom. You hear the
Dealer slip the key into the bathroom door lock. You hear the tumbler roll, and
an echoing click.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You’re
seriously going to lock me out the bathroom?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>No,
the Dealer-Friend says emphatically. You have locked yourself out of our
lavatory. We offered our service, and you declined its use. Really now,
shouldn’t <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>you take some responsibility?<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>This
is a violation of my rights, you yell. This is a violation of every human’s rights.
The law requires that businesses have a bathroom on the premises (though you
don’t know this for sure) and this is a business here, right? You service
customers in your business, right? The public are your customers and so the
bathroom—</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>But
you are not a customer, the Dealer-Friend interrupts.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>How
can you say that?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Because
you’ve told us so.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I
never said that, you shout. I just asked if I could use the bathroom. I asked
the Dealer, they said yes. Then on the way to the bathroom they showed me the
Charger RT in candy-apple-red and I thought to myself, That’s a fantastic car.
I’d look great driving a Charger RT in candy-apple-red, or maybe one of those family-model
sedans in tan, or even a pick-up truck like Ted. So I am very much a, what do
you call it, a prospective customer, now aren’t I? And how can you know that
when I come out of the bathroom, feeling fresh and rosy and like a million
bucks, that I won’t just buy that Charger RT in candy-apple-red? How can you
know that I won’t buy it outright and drive it right off the lot with a grin on
my face wide as the Grand Canyon?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Because,
the Dealer-Friend tells you. You’re not the first person to want a Charger RT
in candy-apple-red. You’re not the first person to ask to use the lavatory. You
are not the first person to want the door closed. You are not the first person
to refuse our agreement. You are not the first person to withhold your
contributions from us, at great pains I might add. You’re not even the first
person to suggest you might, or would, purchase that same Charger RT in
candy-apple-red right after using the lavatory. No. You are not the first
person at all. In fact, you are the 11,965<sup>th</sup> (and change) person
under identical parameters.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You
are speechless.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Now
most people simply sign the agreement, close the door, merrily relieve
themselves, and get on with their day. But you, and then the Dealer-Friend
pauses again. Their mouth hangs frozen, rigid, Relevancy. The Dealer-Friend continues,
There’s certain relevancy here; That customers, like yourself, work themselves
into such a frenzy hoping to persuade us, rather than simply signing and moving
on. All that effort could be better spent, yes?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>And
just how many people are there like me? you ask.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>We’re
not at liberty to divulge that information.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Why
not?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Because,
the Dealer-Friend says. We do not simply give our business away for free.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I
thought selling cars was your business?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>No.
Selling cars are the Dealer’s business.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>So
why am I talking to you?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Because
you are not here to buy a car. You are here to use the lavatory. And lavatory
service is a small, but integral, part of our arching business strategy. I can
say for certain that the Dealer understands the value of our many services,
right?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You
can see the Dealer nodding merrily like a clown.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Fuck
me! you shout. Why do you care what I do in the bathroom? Who could possibly
give a fuck whether I take a piss or a shit or just jack-off? Really now, who
would possibly pay you to know that? </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You
remember Ted, don’t you?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You
see Ted nodding energetically, just like the Dealer.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Well,
Ted’s been listening very closely to everything you’ve been saying. He’s heard
every word. At first Ted was only curious as to whether you were going to urinate
or defecate, and he was interested in whether your urine was going to be bright
yellow (meaning you could be taking a vitamin B supplement or might have only
recently eaten asparagus) and then he was wondering whether your fecal matter
was going to be stiff, a hard thing, and if you were going to have trouble getting
it out and whether you might be interested in trying one of Ted’s laxatives.
You see, Ted sells laxatives. He also dabbles in vitamins. And Ted often buys
pick-up trucks from this particular Dealer just so he can hang around and learn
a thing or two about who urinates and defecates and just what comes out and
just how often.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Fuck
you Ted, you shout. You shout it loud, right in Ted’s face. But Ted doesn’t seem
to hear you. In fact, Ted just goes on nodding, and now he’s mouthing something
unintelligible. These aren’t words you’re hearing. This is music, and it’s
coming right out Ted’s mouth, the radio, a pop song with a really catchy hook
sung by a prepubescent girl. You peek around Ted and see a line of folks who
look just like Ted leading back into the Service Department. They’re not
exactly Teds, but similar enough, and they, too, are projecting catchy pop
songs and appear to be curious about your piss and shit and just what you might
do next.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You
know what, you say. This isn’t the only game in town. This isn’t the only
shitter on the block. To be fair, cause we’re being honest here, right? I did
stop in here just to use the bathroom. At first I only came in to see if I
could use the bathroom, but then I thought since the Dealer was acting so
polite, letting me the bathroom and all, well then I might have an honest to
goodness look around the showroom. And I was really going to do just that. But
now? Now that you’re making me physically sick, now that you are personally making
me ill, you know what I’m going to do? I’m going to walk my ass across the
street to one of your competitors. Maybe they’ll have a great Charger RT, but
in midnight-black because I hate candy-apple-red. And maybe they’ll let me use
the bathroom without any strings attached. And maybe, after I use the bathroom
and feel like myself again, maybe then I’ll test drive that midnight-black
Charger RT over at your competitors and you know what? I’ll probably love that
car because it’s beautiful. Fantastic car. And then I’ll buy it. And the best
thing about buying the car across the street, is that fucking Ted won’t be
there looking over my shoulder.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Thank
you, the Dealer-Friend says.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>For
what?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>For
such honest, concise, and well constructed feedback. Your opinions are invaluable
to us, they say. Truly invaluable.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You
nearly plead, If you’ve gained anything here from my “truly invaluable”
opinion, then how about you let me use the bathroom?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Certainly,
the Dealer-Friend says. And they hold out the agreement.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I’m
not going to sign.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Thank
you.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Fuck
you!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Thank
you, they say.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Eat
shit!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Thank
you.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Son
of a bitch! And you keep shouting this as you storm out the showroom, ass clenched,
hoping now more than ever not to spill yourself right then and there because
you know afterwards you’d only hear a chorus of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">thank-yous.</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Son
of a bitch!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Outside
and it’s hot and sticky and you shuffle quickly across the street, through bustling
traffic, and into another big glass showroom where the AC hits you hard in the
face. You might catch a cold, you think. You might contract the flu, you believe.
And who would keep a showroom so damn cold?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>May
I help you? the Dealer asks.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Please,
you say in a quick breath. I’m very interested in one of your cars, but
couldn’t possibly give it proper consideration without first using your
bathroom.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Of
course, the Dealer says. And then they motions across the showroom floor, past
the luxury-sedans and family-sedans and single-person-compacts to a beautiful
Charger RT in midnight-black. Just got that beauty in, they say.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You’re
in shock.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>That’s
exactly the Charger RT in midnight-black I was looking for, you say. I’m not
kidding. Just a minute ago I was thinking about that very car—but listen. Right
now, I really need to use the bathroom.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Follow
me, and the Dealer walks you through the showroom, past the luxury-sedans, the
family-sedans, the single-person-compacts. Past the Service Department where
you don’t spot any Teds and you’d like to ask the Dealer to, Pick up the pace. Get
a move on. You want them to know you’re about to burst, but you don’t say a
word because you’re probably a bit too polite. Or simply can’t afford to blow this
chance. You truly fear for your life as the Dealer pats their pockets. They’re
searching for the key. Searching, and they find the key ring and then start flipping
through the dozens of keys. You want to swallow, but can’t. You believe every
bit of moisture in your body’s been crammed into your bladder and not an ounce
more would fit and then the Dealer holds up the key. That plain old generic-type
key that looks just like any of your own keys, but it’s not. It’s glorious. The
most beautiful bathroom key you’ve ever seen and the Dealer inserts the key
into the lock, turns the lock, it clicks, they step back, you press full weight
into the door and don’t look back as you rush inside to shut the door. You
expect a foot in the door. The Dealer’s foot. But they don’t try and stop you
from closing the door. You’ve done it. You’re finally alone and you’re
unzipping your pants, dropping your boxers, skidding around in circles looking
for the toilet stall—but there’s no stall? There are no stalls and there are no
urinals. You stand like a dolt with your pants down by your ankles and your boxers
bunched at your knees and you think, what kind of a bathroom is this? There’s
no sink. No paper towel dispenser. No toilet seat binkies! In fact, the only
thing in the voided room is an enormous mirror. You see yourself in that
mirror, knees knocked, boxers pinned, pants at your ankles, hands to your
mouth. You shuffle closer to that mirror and take a hard look at your yellowing
face. You’re rancid. Putrid. And you press your forehead to the glass,
defeated. You’ve lost. There’s no winning and you let your head fall hard into
the mirror, repeatedly. Hard enough that you can hear the dull thud and slight
echo coming from behind. There’s no wall behind this gigantic mirror, you
realize. Behind this mirror is a hollow space, you reason. Behind this mirror
is a hollow space just big enough for someone to stand comfortably and watch,
you fear.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Fuck!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You
whisk up your pants and catch your boxers in the zipper, but you don’t care.
You pull everything up and it bunches tight and squeezes your bladder as you
race outside to find that Dealer standing guard.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You
scream full throat in the Dealer’s face!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Let
me get our Top-Person for you, the Dealer says. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I
don’t want your Top-Person, you grunt. You growl, I don’t give a shit about
your Top-Person.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>We
understand.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You
think I’m a fool, don’t you? You let me walk right on into that bathroom
knowing damn well…and I fell for it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>We
understand.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>But
you really don’t understand, you tell the Dealer. You really don’t have any
idea just what I’m capable of.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Not
true, and the Top-Person appears from nowhere. They take their position beside
the Dealer, a few comfortable feet from you. A cozy little buffer. We
understand that #xx,xxx,965<sup>st</sup> (and change) will not sign a lavatory service
agreement.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You
recognize that number. Your number.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>That
#xx,xxx,965<sup>st</sup> (and change) is not a prospective customer, is prone
to self-induced pain, is presumed confrontational, possibly violent when
pressed, and most certainly poses a threat. Therefore, the Top-Person
concludes. We really have no reason to provide any kind of service for you, do
we?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You
blow a fuse!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You
know what? you say right into the Top-Person’s face. You’re right. I’m not
going to sign any service agreement. Not with you. Not with…this is decency-thing
here. Human decency and, humanity. And if you take away my humanity, then I
really have no reason to deal with you at all, now do I? In fact, after all the
crap you and your cadre of conniving little partners have put me through, a
living hell, and after making me sick and giving me the runaround, I mean, all
this lip service has only convinced me that I don’t even want a car. Not one of
yours, and not one of theirs. In fact, I may never drive again. How do you like
that? Not only won’t you sell a car to me today, but you’ve taken one more
driver off the road. One more driver who doesn’t need an auto loan. One more
driver who doesn’t have to pay for gas. You think Big Oil’s going to be happy
knowing you’ve robbed them of a customer? You think State Farm or
Farmers-whatever are going to be happy they lost a customer? Shit. You know
what? All the stress and worry over a car, all that weight, it’s flying right
off my shoulders. Can you see it go? I already feel a thousand times better. Lighter.
I feel a thousand times lighter and better knowing you and your sick cronies
aren’t going to get a thing from me.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Thank
you, the Top-Person says.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You’re
welcome, you say instinctively. Wait. Why the thank you? you ask yourself. How
could this information be of any value to them? Then it hits you. They, every
Dealer and Dealer’s-Friend and Top-person and even every bottom-feeder-Ted, they
already know you’re never going to drive again. This is shared knowledge. This
is the most reducible you and they’re using that information right at this
moment to formulate a strategy.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Damn!
you shout. You’re all in cahoots. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Not
damn, the Top-Person says. And cahoots, as you call it, is a very positive relationship.
Cahoots is good for everyone.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>How,
in any possible way, is cahoots good for me?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Because,
cahoots helps us understand that you never really wanted to drive a Charger RT
in candy-apple-red, or midnight-black. Cahoots told us that you’ve never felt okay
about supporting Big Oil or Big Insurance, and in turn cahoots has allowed us
to help you come to understand these qualities in yourself. This is a great
gift, from us to you. You’re welcome, they say. I’m sure you can see the value
here; To understand yourself better, and to know yourself nearly as well as we
do.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You
don’t know me better than I do.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Are
you so sure? the Top-Person asks.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>So
you figure I don’t buy a car, big whoop! But what about a motorcycle, or a
scooter, did you ever think of that?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Yes,
the Top-Person replies. Though we’ve calculated that you don’t really want a
motorcycle or a scooter because those still use gas and require insurance and
regular maintenance. Plus they’re unsafe, and you don’t much care for helmets
as you’ve passed on all the DOT approved models. See, what you really want—</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You
hold your hands up to the Top-Person’s mouth and say, Don’t. You cup their
mouth tight and tell them, When I know what I want, I’ll come to you.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>The
Top-Person mumbles through your fingers.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I’m
not going to buy anything from you because there’s nothing you can offer that I
want. Nothing I want, and nothing I need. Then you take your hand away because
you are not this person. This is not you. Aggressive, confrontational, strong
arming.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>We
know just what you want, the Top-Person says.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Thank
you, no. Not interested.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>But
this is truly fantastic. Just what you need.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You’re
not listening. At least you pretend you aren’t listening as you march through
the showroom, past the luxury-sedans, the family-sedans, the single-person-compacts,
and you’re definitely not looking at the Charger RT in midnight-black, that’s
for sure. You’re not even going to glance over by the window where the light’s
hitting it just right. Gorgeous. And you’re not thinking about a motorcycle, or
a scooter, or who might sell those around here and whether you should just take
a quick look because maybe one of the other Dealers will let you use the
restroom—no! You are thinking about a blue 10-speed. A simple blue 10-speed bicycle
and you’re sure there’s some mom-and-pop shop nearby that sells them for a
reasonable price. And a mom-and-pop shop will certainly let you use the
bathroom because they do good honest business, sound business. This is what
you’re thinking as you head toward the exit, the Top-Person and the Dealer on
your heels, and just as you reach the door, there’s Ted outside. Ted’s standing
behind those big glass doors in the sunshiny day with a real pretty blue 10-speed.
Ted’s just waiting there, with the blue 10-speed bicycle you were thinking
about and you press your way, shove your way, past Ted as violently as you can.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Only
99.95, Ted says.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You
can hear Ted behind, running alongside the blue 10-speed.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>99.95.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You
hear the gears spinning, the wheels in motion, and Ted’s hard leather shoes
slapping the pavement as you fall into a cantor. You’re like a racehorse, not
walking, not galloping, but in that awkward cadence and it’s got to be the most
uncomfortable way to make any headway. A racehorse off the soft dirt track and
you still got to piss and shit like a racehorse as you pull away from Ted, and
this energizes you. You pick up speed, happy to know you are leaving Ted
behind. You are dusting Ted. And you know that if he gets on the bike, rides it
for even a few feet, then it becomes a used bike. Just a plain old used blue
10-speed that he can’t sell for 99.95. Ted’s going to have to drop the price,
and you think to yourself how low will he go? And then you can hear Ted catching
up.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Damn!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You
turn the corner. Ted turns the corner. You race across the intersection. Ted
races across the intersection. You turn down an alley. Ted turns down the
alley. You fall into a pack of children just out from school and Ted tries to follow
through the crowd, but the kids are all reaching for Ted and his blue 10-speed.
They want to ride on the handlebars. They want to ride on Ted’s back, his
shoulders.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>They
scream, Peddle faster! Faster! Get him!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>The
children are helping that bastard, Ted.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Then
just up ahead, unbelievable, one of those mom-and-pop shops. You run for it
gangly and wild, and you can hear Ted huffing and gears whizzing and kids
shouting and then—crash! Ted’s on the ground. Kids in tears. A heap of bodies strewn
across the road and now Ted’s prying the kids off the blue 10-speed, struggling
to get the bike upright, but the children are tangled in the spokes, the gears.
You want to help the kids. You need to help the kids, but there’s no way you
can take on Ted. He’s vicious and they’re only just kids and you feel sick
because you’re a coward. A sick coward who would die if Ted got in one good
body blow. Even one rabbit punch would pop your bladder and this is why you can’t
help the kids. You tell yourself this is why you’re a coward, but now Ted’s stomping
on little arms and legs, fingers and pinky toes, and who’s going to protect the
kids from Ted? Where are their parents? you shout. Where are the parents and
when did Ted become your responsibility, alone? And then the parents appear.
They’re rushing in from every direction and now you know the kids will be safe.
A little bruised and a little battered, but safe. You search for Ted, to witness
what the parents will do <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">with</i> him, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">to</i> him. But both Ted and his blue 10-speed
are gone, vanished. You picture Ted in one of his pick-up trucks, the wife and
kids tossed in the bed and holding tight to the busted blue 10-speed as they
make their getaway. And only now can you breathe again. You breathe in, and
remember—toilet!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You
knock on the mom-and-pop door, hard with your knuckles. A sign hangs in the
window, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Closed Tuesdays</i>. What kind of
a business is closed Tuesdays? you ask yourself while rattling the door. You smoosh
your face to the glass and see three rows of bicycles: Men’s and Women’s and
Kid’s. Some with baskets. Some with streamers. Some for racing, some for
touring, some for picking up milk and eggs, and then that same blue 10-speed, the
one Ted was chasing you down with, and this blue 10-speed has a hand painted
sign dangling from the handlebars that reads, 130. Damn, you think to yourself.
That’s 30 more than stupid Ted’s, and then you spot someone in the back of the
shop. They’re looking out at you, curious. They make motions with their hands.
Motions that must mean something, but you can’t understand. They realize you’re
not getting the gist and come out from behind the counter, up to the glass.
It’s a man. Not an old man. Not the pop in a mom-and-pop. Maybe the son, you reason
as they point toward the sign. You nod your head. They nod. You both understand
one another, enough. And then, then the man opens the door.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>We’re
closed Tuesdays, he says.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I
see that, you say. It’s just that, well, I was admiring that blue 10-speed.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>It’ll
still be here tomorrow, he says. Not going anywhere. Can you come back
tomorrow?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Probably,
you say. Most likely, you say. Hopefully, you say.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Well,
the man says. Seeing as you’re here now, might as well come inside.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I
don’t want to be a bother.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Long
as you don’t mind waiting for the register to warm up. Credit machine, too.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I
can pay in cash, you say.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>That
would make things easier.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You
nod in agreement while checking your wallet. Forty bucks. I don’t have enough,
you say.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>We
do take checks.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You
take checks?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>If
they’re local.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You
search your pockets, but know damn well that you don’t have any checks. You
might not even have any checks at home and when was the last time you even
wrote a check?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Actually,
you say. I don’t have a check.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Well,
the man says. How about you leave me your driver’s license. If you left me your
license, I could let you take the bike today. Pay me tomorrow.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You’d
trust me?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>What,
you’re not trustworthy?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>No.
I mean, of course I am.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>It’s
just a bike, the man says. There’s a million of them. Only one of you, though.
Driver’s license says so, right?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You
nod.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Come
on inside and I’ll get you written up.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>The
shop’s small. A little musty, but there’s good light and as soon as the door
closes, it’s quiet. Peaceful. The man slips behind the counter and pulls out a
receipt book. As he writes you look around for a bathroom, nothing. You casually
sneak a peek behind the counter. There’s a small workshop back there, bikes in
repair. You smell chain oil and rubber and figure there must be a bathroom back
there someplace, maybe, hopefully, and where does this man go? You need to ask,
you must ask, but you’re afraid to ask because didn’t all your problems start
when you asked to use the bathroom in the first place?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You’re
writing up the receipt for the 10-speed, double checking this guy’s driver’s license
number, when you notice him shifting from one foot to the other. Heavily. Is he
in some kind of a hurry? No. You know that look. It’s just funny to see it on a
grown man. Sure, kids come in all the time <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">jumpity</i>
and grabbing their crotches, and then you wonder if you ever looked so obvious
holding it in. Of course you have. We all have. When you got to go, and you
think this to yourself while this poor man shivers in pain, in distress, in
need.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Bathroom’s
in back, you say.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">END</span></div>
Jesse Brodkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11522072006149858489noreply@blogger.com0